Single Steampunks?

[JingleJoe]

Is it just me or do some people here sound resigned to being single [and I mean resigned in all respects as in they feel that being single is awful, but they will not do anything about because they are lazy or something]?

I'm doing things about it! But no ones loves this mad scientist, those who I desire thier hearts are all set on another ... and there is none that desire me, and if there are I wish they'd tell me!

Also, that Vicky Pollard... She's just an extreme parody of the real thing, right? Haha, I had no idea what a chav was until this thread.

Not that extreme acctually, I've seen worse.

[Atterton]

Interesting to find such a thread here. Though probably not surprising. If I may, I would like to give a piece of advice to the gentlemen of this thread. That advice is, stop being gentlemen. It seems most males on this forum feel a desire to act in the manner of a gentlemen, which is good. However there is much truth to the adage that nice guys finish last. I used to act as a gentleman to women, not doing things that didn´t feel right and trying not to hurt them. I had no succes with women. I had an experience which made me decide "No more Mr nice guy", after which I suddenly had more luck with them than ever before. You can still walk old ladies across the street or collect for charities, just remember when it comes to women treating them nicely will ruin your chances of a relationsship.

[Dr. Munro]

I would disagree to some extent.  Whilst it may be true I don't think a person should lower his own integrity so that he might find a lady.

[Captain Brandsson]

{I} am resigned to my singledom due to size and body issues.

Only if you place such limits upon yourself.
Which, it goes without saying, is entirely your right.

Just becareful when assuming what another's eye beholds as beauty.

[Lady Penelope]

Interesting to find such a thread here. Though probably not surprising. If I may, I would like to give a piece of advice to the gentlemen of this thread. That advice is, stop being gentlemen. It seems most males on this forum feel a desire to act in the manner of a gentlemen, which is good. However there is much truth to the adage that nice guys finish last. I used to act as a gentleman to women, not doing things that didn´t feel right and trying not to hurt them. I had no succes with women. I had an experience which made me decide "No more Mr nice guy", after which I suddenly had more luck with them than ever before. You can still walk old ladies across the street or collect for charities, just remember when it comes to women treating them nicely will ruin your chances of a relationsship.

I disagree with this, but this is coming from a woman who has been married for 20 years to a nice guy.  Hopefully you won't mind me weighing in on a "singles" thread anyhow, but if you do, just tell me to skedaddle and I'll re-enter the Lurk Zone.    I will agree that the "bad boy" might be more successful with women in the short run, depending upon how one defines "success," and if one is looking for a lifelong partnership with a particular woman, or simply wants to collect several in hopes of eventually landing the perfect one.  

This is why I think the "not nice" approach works well enough in the short run, but not in the long run.  Yes, there are many women who gravitate more towards the bad or dangerous or aloof or rude or even downright abusive men than the nice ones.  This, however, tends to be for a variety of reasons, most of which aren't exactly what you'd be looking for in a woman you'd hope to form a lasting relationship with, unless of course you're willing to be very patient with their issues!  Women who prefer not-nice men often do so because 1) some have poor self-esteem and/or abusive pasts, and therefore don't feel deserving of being treated nicely (or the corollary, they notice the niceness but don't trust that it will last, or think it's just a sham, because not-nice is what they've grown up used to), or 2) they genuinely like nice men, but wish things to remain on the friends level because they're not ready to make a commitment themselves, and therefore don't want to end up in a "relationship" (define that as loosely or as closely as you will) with someone they'll probably only end up hurting later, or 3) they've bought into the lie that if a man isn't an absolute jerk, he must not really care about them (huh?!  ), or 4) they've simply not matured enough yet to have seriously thought through the long-term consequences of a long-term relationship with someone who isn't considerate and caring (sure, he might seem exciting now, but after a few years, will she still want to stick around if he's chronically inconsiderate?), or 5) they don't believe in lifelong relationships anyhow, so what does it matter if the guy is nice, so long as he's exciting in the short-term, or cute, or great in bed, or whatever the heck it is that commitment-shy girls find attractive about "use-and-lose-her" jerks?  And of course there's reasons 6, 7, 8, on to infinity I suppose, but what I'm getting at can basically be reduced to this:  If you're a nice man wanting to settle down with a (presumably) nice woman, do you really want to commit yourself to a woman who thinks so little of her self (and/or else so little of men) that she'd want to attach herself to a man she can't admire and respect now?  Or one so codependent that she needs to find a "fixer-upper" kind of man in order to meet her own need to be needed, or her addiction to the adrenaline-rush that comes from having to deal with crisis after crisis dealt out by a high-maintenance sort of guy?

A lot of women come from homes and from environments where most of the men in their formative years have been, at best, neglectful or apathetic or distant, or at worst, users and/or abusers of women in some way.  They've grown up thinking that it's natural for a man to belittle women, to walk roughshod over their hearts and feelings, to see them as not much more than a life-support system for the squishy fun bits, and so that's what they've become programmed to respond to.  Not that they particularly want to be used and abused, mind, but it's what they know, and when a nice man comes along, they might not know how to take him.  They might not even recognize him for what he is, and if they do, they might have no clue how to respond appropriately to him, having little experience in that sort of thing.  They might even feel they don't deserve him, and even if that feeling never quite filters up to the conscious level, they might end up sabotaging any chance of a relationship with a nice man unless they become self-aware enough to realize what's happening and to break the cycle.  

I'm saying "they" an awful lot, but I'm speaking here from the point of view of a woman who was caught up from an early age in the cycle of abuse (and remember again, "abuse" doesn't have to be outright beatings or sexual abuse, it can also take the form of growing up with indifference, neglect, or verbal potshots), and who probably would've grown up a whole heck of a lot more susceptible to the so-called "attractions" of "not-nice men" if I hadn't had some very strong and healthy positive relationships with some very VERY nice men (my own father among them) to keep me from being sucked down that vortex.  At some point in my growing up years, I came to realize that I wanted healthy, sane relationships in my life, men who would uplift and inspire me rather than dragging me down.  I wanted nice, dependable, responsible, kind, considerate, caring, loving, respectful male friendships.  And eventually, I wanted to marry a man had all those qualities as well, who would have as much respect and admiration from me as I had for him, and who would have my love for a lifetime because I was fully secure in the knowledge that I would have his.  And I refused to settle for less than that.  

Sometimes it simply boils down to "Am I really looking for love, or am I simply looking to score?"  If it's the latter, then go ahead and be not-nice.  I hear it works wonders.  But don't be too surprised if, someday, the strategy ends up biting you on the butt, and you find yourself growing emotionally involved with someone who isn't very healthy for your mental and emotional health.

But if you are looking for someone who is commitment worthy, then the only want to attract that sort of person is to become a commitment-worthy person yourself.  And there's only one way to achieve that goal that I'm aware of.  Be nice.  Be as nice as you know how to be.  Don't do it to get women; do it because you respect and love yourself, and want to be the best sort of person you can possibly be.  It might take a while for some woman to come along who will recognize the priceless treasure that you are, but when she does come along, hopefully she won't take you for granted.  

[The Kernel]

Like Lady Penelope I am married but muscleling in on a singles thread.
I am a male who has been married to a wonderful woman for 19 years, we wll have been together for 25 years in a few months.
She tells me that what drew her to me was that I was a "Gentleman" and polite at all times.
This was later (3 years later) summed up as "good husband material".
"No more Mr Nice Guy" will give you short term success at the expence of long term happiness. This is not a competition and no-one who matters is keeping a score.
Basically be yourself.

Miss Honeythorn, be yourself, love yourself for what and who you are, sooner or later you will meet the right partner.
Keep up hope

[Captain Brandsson]

The real trick...  cliche' though it may be and far harder than it sounds...  is to be yourself.
Nice or bad, gentlemanly or rakish.  Most likely a very human mixture of them all.
Thus you will attract someone, perhaps after a lengthly search, who actually likes you, not the facade you felt you needed.

I went through a number of relationships that ended badly due to my erroneous need to "be what I was supposed to be".  Either I would become comfortable and then suddenly surprise her with "the real me" or the strain of constantly "putting on a show" became unbareable.

Eventually I threw up my hands and just went about as me.  
Nice when I felt it appropriate, naughty when needed.
Not too log after that, I attracted the attention of a young lady who found my quirks charming and my newfound tendancy to say what I thought rather than censor myself to impress refreshing.  
Last June we celebrated eight happily married years.

[Dr. Munro]

M'lady Honeythorn, what person can look in the mirror and can honestly say they are content with what they see?  I'm surely you're a beautiful individual and somebody would be more than happy to spend the rest of their life with you x

[The Kernel]

Miss Honeythorn, a real man will love the inner beauty of the woman.

Although the "stick insect" is often billed as the ideal image, many men much prefer the "fuller figure" of a real woman (not a walking clothes hanger)

PS mirrors foreshorten due to the light paths involved, they will always make the viewer appear shorter and wider.
Never a flattering image.
Accept others opinions of yourself

[Honeythorn]

Ah I said Tolerate, not content. I ill never be content without a surgeons aid and that I cannot afford at all. Once I've lost about....4-5 of the whole 8 stone I'll be reasonably ok for proper hugs I think I am looking forward to them .

[JingleJoe]

and there is none that desire me, and if there are I wish they'd tell me!

*waves madly*   Although, I suspect I am not what you are looking for anyway and am resigned to my singledom due to size and body issues.

*Waves back*

{I} am resigned to my singledom due to size and body issues.

Only if you place such limits upon yourself.
Which, it goes without saying, is entirely your right.

Just becareful when assuming what another's eye beholds as beauty.

I've allways thought you were pretty cute Honeythorn even if you dont think so- but how far away do you live? If the distance is too great then courting females (or males) so far away has little to no merrit or desireable result. This is the main issue (for me), distance between steampunks!

Although the "stick insect" is often billed as the ideal image, many men much prefer the "fuller figure" of a real woman (not a walking clothes hanger)
Accept others opinions of yourself

Quoted for truth





By the by; Getting back to a previous issue, I'm not a gentleman, I'm nice enough but I'm decidedly a mad scientist

[SteamBlast Mary]

this is coming from a woman who has been married for 20 years to a nice guy.  

I don't believe you. The evidence of your photo(s) indicates that there's no way you have been in existence long enough.

Other than that, I agree with you 100%. Sadly, people settle for what they believe they deserve, and everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

Besides, if one is by nature a "gentleman", at least comparatively, than to behave in a manner different to that is to put on an act~ which contravenes the most basic rule of meeting people, "Be yourself".

[Sir A Poiselamppe]

Being yourself is also rather overrated.

Then be yourself in a corset. It may still be overrated, but at least you'll be wearing a corset.

Can't say I've eve thought of that... I'll have to give it a go one day...

[KatarinaNavane]

Honeythorn, My mother has always said that when complimented you should accept gracefully and move on. Denying a compliment is throwing a gift back in the givers face.  It's rude and something of which you are repeatedly guilty. 
Sorry if I come off a bit preachy, but it's a pet peeve of mine.  If someone tells you you look beautiful you should say "thank you" not "no i don't."  I'm sure the boys here will agree with me. 

[LostSplendor]

I'm single as well. currently deciding whether I'd like to stay single until I head off to college. 

[Yorktron]

Honeythorn, My mother has always said that when complimented you should accept gracefully and move on. Denying a compliment is throwing a gift back in the givers face.  It's rude and something of which you are repeatedly guilty. 
Sorry if I come off a bit preachy, but it's a pet peeve of mine.  If someone tells you you look beautiful you should say "thank you" not "no i don't."  I'm sure the boys here will agree with me. 

In some cultures, it is considered arrogant to accept a compliment outright.

Also, concerning the 'nice guy issue' I hope people understand the difference between a "nice guy":Spineless, no personality, puts women on some sort of weird pedestal and what I could call a "good man": Respects women as fellow human beings, is his own person, and has some sort of ambition.

[Captain Brandsson]

Also, concerning the 'nice guy issue' I hope people understand the difference between a "nice guy":Spineless, no personality, puts women on some sort of weird pedestal and what I could call a "good man": Respects women as fellow human beings, is his own person, and has some sort of ambition.

An important distinction to make, to be sure.

[Lady Penelope]

this is coming from a woman who has been married for 20 years to a nice guy.  

I don't believe you. The evidence of your photo(s) indicates that there's no way you have been in existence long enough.

Why, thank you, dear!  The thing is, on my home planet, women often marry at age -20 or younger, during their fetal years.  (No, you don't want to know how long gestation lasts....)   

Seriously, I spent the first decade of my adult life being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my early thirties being asked what my university major was (a natural enough question, I suppose, given my presence on a university campus, but I was an employee, not a student), and am grateful to have finally reached an age when there are enough gray "experience points" in my hair (if I haven't gone and dyed them something silly like burgundy!) that folks don't look at me askance if I enjoy an occasional wine or cider.     It's one of the blessings/curses of being half Asian, I suppose.  My mother has reached her 70th year, and looks like she's barely into her 50s.  I can only hope to be so fortunate when I reach her stage of life.  At least people have stopped asking us if we're sisters.  Most of the time, anyway.  *sigh*

[Lady Penelope]

Being yourself is also rather overrated.

Then be yourself in a corset. It may still be overrated, but at least you'll be wearing a corset.

*giggling*  Sounds like a good excuse to get a new corset, too.  "But Hubby Darling, I need a new corset!  It's part of me being myself...."   

[Dr. Oliver Cross]

I'm single as well. currently deciding whether I'd like to stay single until I head off to college. 

Dare I mention how many single men on this site will find themselves desperately praying that the answer to that question is "no" the moment they become aware of it?

[Honeythorn]

Honeythorn, My mother has always said that when complimented you should accept gracefully and move on. Denying a compliment is throwing a gift back in the givers face.  It's rude and something of which you are repeatedly guilty. 
Sorry if I come off a bit preachy, but it's a pet peeve of mine.  If someone tells you you look beautiful you should say "thank you" not "no i don't."  I'm sure the boys here will agree with me. 

I do say thankyou and I say it regularly.

[Dr. Munro]

I'm single as well. currently deciding whether I'd like to stay single until I head off to college. 

I would say that it might not be a bad idea.  I've had many friends who were in relationships before they came to university and very few of them are still together.  It tends to just make things unnecessarily complicated.

[Dr. Munro]

I suppose it does depend on the people.  If you think you can make it through university I suppose go for it.  If you aren't sure it might be worth waiting.  If you both truly feel the same way what's a few years between friends?  Then you get that other lot I guess... The ones you so eloquently labelled "slags"!   I personally wouldn't go looking for a relationship before uni' but at the same time if the option comes up it would need to be seriously considered.

[kutkh]

Also, concerning the 'nice guy issue' I hope people understand the difference between a "nice guy":Spineless, no personality, puts women on some sort of weird pedestal and what I could call a "good man": Respects women as fellow human beings, is his own person, and has some sort of ambition.

Quoted for truth. Not recognising the difference is a mistake that a lot of guys - especially shy ones - seem to make. I know from personal experience. I would say though that ambition is less important than a strong sense of self, but I think that is what you're getting at. It's ok to be a little directionless if a little directionless is who you are. At least I hope so, or I'm screwed.

Re: waiting for uni/graduation/career/etc., I'm of the opinion that planning for future relationships is usually pretty disastrous. Having an open mind and letting yourself explore and experiment and make mistakes in the present is far more important, especially if you're not sure about yourself. I think life is richer with a crash and burn/blaze of glory attitude. Also, I think most of us are here because we see some romance in ramshackle inefficiency...

[Yorktron]

Haha, did you have issues with a shy guy too? I did. Needless to say, we're kind of no longer on speaking terms. And, yes, a little directionless doesn't hurt. Thus "some sort of ambition" not "burning, fiery ambition".

Why would anyone "plan" to not have a relationship? If it happens and it's wonderful, shouldn't you pursue it? I guess things may break down later, but that's then and you would be all the better person for it, I would think. Sure, sometimes you end up not on speaking terms like myself, but... I would and wouldn't change a thing. Does this make sense? Words are weak sometimes.