Stoopid instrukshuns

[Herr Döktor]

Always amused and amazed me that back in the seventies Dr. Who U.N.I.T stories, the top secret U.N.I.T base always seemed to have a sign outside announcing who they were and what went on there...

[Von Gast]

Torchwood are similar. Buzzing around Cardiff in a very unique Range Rover with "Torchwood" stamped on the front wings. Yep, they won't have every Land Rover enthusiast in the area noticing them and posting it in the Spotted section of the forums! 

[Dr cornelius quack]

What better way to hide an active secret nuclear bunker than to disguise it as a disused secret nuclear bunker?

Dr. Q.

(Currently giving guided tours of his "Disused" Mad Scientists laboratory.)


"No. No. The creature on the slab is just an animatronic model for display purposes."

Please leave all pitchforks and torches at the cloakroom by the entrance.

Visitors are advised to stay outside the safety barriers.

The proprietors accept no responsibility for damaged or lost property, limbs, brains etc.

The use of lethal force has been (enthusiastically) sanctioned.

Help support the museum by joining our organ doner scheme.

Why not round off your day with a visit to our gift shop?

[Lucifargundam]

I see new ones all the time... i just forget to remember them.

[Zwack]

I love "Serving Suggestions" myself.  Usually they're something far fetched like "put them in a bowl with a sprig of mint" from a can of peas. 

Presumably they're trying to warn you that when you open the can there is no mint, nor are there any bowls. 

Z.

[akumabito]

Spoiler: ShowHide

[Mrs. Sullivan]

I love "Serving Suggestions" myself.  Usually they're something far fetched like "put them in a bowl with a sprig of mint" from a can of peas. 

Presumably they're trying to warn you that when you open the can there is no mint, nor are there any bowls. 

Z.

Well, if they showed a photo of the actual congealed lump of foodstuff on the label, there would never be any sales.

My favorite stupid instructions came with a pair of pantyhose - showed how to put them on.  To those of you who have not read these instructions:  If you find yourself with pantyhose on your head, you're doing it wrong!

[David Godfrey Esq.]

I once saw a road sign for a "Government Military Base", or something along those lines of Relatively Important To Keep Secret. Now fair enough, I don't think a whole load of terrorists are going to be driving along crammed into the back of a Toyota Yaris, but that still strikes me as a slightly silly road sign.

It may be an urban myth, but I seem to recall that the Post Office Tower was not included on maps during the Cold War. Given that until 1980 it had a revolving restaurant I'm not quite sure why they hid it.

[The Kernel]

Certainly many "sensitive" factories and similar were omitted from OS maps until reciently, eg nuclear fuel and reprocessing plants.
It was slightly surreal seeing open fields on a map, but a huge modern factory in reality.

[Von Gast]

The OS is far from infallible. There are a couple of byways near me that are marked wrongly. One is shown spearing across the countryside where there is no visible track, the other is shown proceeding directly into a rock face. Generally we follow the obvious track around the outcrop!

[The Kernel]

You mean you deviate from the published "Right-of-Way"

Horrors

[Von Gast]

You mean you deviate from the published "Right-of-Way"

Horrors

Only because I have yet to work out how to drive straight up a cliff! 

I would imagine that some poor chap in their offices got a bit confused and dragged the route in the wrong direction. The one going into a rocky outcrop seems to make a 90 degree turn specifically in order to do so, as opposed to the track on the ground which is clearly visible skirting it.

[The Kernel]

I believe this is traditionally attributed to a groove in the tabletop when the map is being drawn

[Vienna Fahrmann]

     This is a translation, rather than an instruction, but I was reading through the "how to ask for food" section of an American friends German-English phrase book & came across "I would like a piece of tasty whale".  Uhm, as far as I know, whale is not a staple item in modern German, Swiss, or Austrian cuisine.  There were some other pretty odd phrases in other sections, too, but I remember the whale one the best.

     Vienna

[David Godfrey Esq.]

I have a 1960s English/French phrasebook which contains such useful lines as "Is the North Atlantic treaty as dead as a doornail?"