The Practical Fabricator's Magazine (Subscriber's letters.)

[Mercury Wells]

Dear Sir,

Did you know that the reason why the sky is blue...blame the vented instestinal gases of the Air-Kraken!

Yours &c

Major Kokups (Ret.)

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our resident Meteorologist writes.

That is somewhat contrary to the results of a series of tests carried out by me when I was Temporary professor of Wind at Uppsala.

During one of our experiments with a lab Kraken in the University's research chamber, all of the atmosphere was accidentally evacuated while my assistant, the late Mr. Ponsonby, was 'mucking out'.

From the observations of the rest of the team, we concluded that it is simply the lack of Oxygen that makes things turn blue.

[Dr cornelius quack]

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"

[Dr cornelius quack]

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"

Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?

"Be right there, Dear!"

Yours.
Cecil Poodes.

[Herr Döktor]

A plaintive and all too common request.

"Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish a notification in your next issue informing my husband that his tea's ready

Yours, resignedly.
Ethel Poodes. (Mrs.)"

Sirs.

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?

"Be right there, Dear!"

Yours.
Cecil Poodes.

Sirs,

I was wondering if you might publish the following in your next issue ?

Too late, Mr. Poodes, I've eaten it.

Yrs.,

George Cranke
(lodger)

[Cubinoid]

Sir,

I must congratulate you on a thoroughly informative and I must say nourishing edition last month. How unusual and refreshing to provide a recipe in the recycling pages!

However, I have discovered a drawback, which I feel I should write in and mention in case others may have been affected.

After consuming the delicious "Prickly magazine and hedgehog soup" as described, I realized too late that I hadn't gotten around to trying out the "DIY flintlock pistol that shoots backwards and forwards simultaneously".

It is such a shame, as I was really looking forward to attempting a build, once I recover from my forthcoming throat operation.

Could you supply me with another copy, please? My newsagent store told me all the other copies had been withdrawn.

Yours, as ever,
A. Paul Mackintosh

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Canteen Manager writes.

Dear sir.

I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the recipe. The addition of a couple of pages from our sister publication 'The Pepperbox Gunsmith's Journal' in the mix is an inspired twist to a tried and tested formula, adding just the right amount of spice.

Unfortunately, all remaining copies of the magazine have been pulped and tinned  as a part of our annual 'Food Drive' to provide much needed cellulose for those less fortunate.

However, I am pleased to be able to say that  the article you missed will shortly be made available in our twice yearly 'Digest' in a condensed form.

Yours.

Mulligatawny Tureen.

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

By Telegraph

Sir .
Regarding article in latest edition . Entitled "Gorilla wrestling and other extant pastimes" . May I suggest final line " match isn't finished when you're tired, but when Gorilla's tired" . Could possibly have been better employed as first line .
Please advise on usual staying power of an average Gorilla . Don't like the look in the brute's eye at the moment .

Elsie the scullery maid on behalf of Sir Entwistle Sprocket (Bart)
Awaiting reply

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Chief Sports reporter replies, on an Aldis Lamp.

"WWHA-YA-MEAN? ESHTANT?..... SHAYS 'ESHTINK!!"

" YAH!...ESHTINK!!....SHWATSHAYS!...ESHTINK!! ...HA..HA.. HA! (HIC!)

"YES?... WHAH-YO-WAN? ............ I AM NOT DRU...!!!"

"TAKE YOUR HANSH OFF ME!!!!!"

[Mercury Wells]

Sirs.

This morning, I discovered a mini Air Kraken on my bottle of milk. The damned blighter was trying to steal the cream. Do I threaten it with a flock of Blue Tits or just open fire with a Elephant gun, which fires Elephants?

Yours&c

Maj. Roadworks. (Ret)

[Dr cornelius quack]

Sirs.

This morning, I discovered a mini Air Kraken on my bottle of milk. The damned blighter was trying to steal the cream. Do I threaten it with a flock of Blue Tits or just open fire with a Elephant gun, which fires Elephants?

Yours&c

Maj. Roadworks. (Ret)

Our  social networking consultant replies.

The standard response to this behaviour, these days, is to film the miscreant on your cellphone and post the footage on 'Youtube'.

This will have the dual benefit of terminally embarrassing the offender, and making you look 'cool'.

Yours,

Fred253461493904852848592205040450229472176574382949592021210495828182959949 and a bit.


p.s. You are the 1000th person to post today, click the link for your chance to  win an 'I-Pad'.

[Captain Shipton Bellinger]

Sir,

I enjoyed the recent Practical Fabricator's Practical Jokes article immensely. The nitro-cellulose franking pad was particularly successful at the Postal Office wherein I am employed, and was taken in good spirit by all 'victims'.

Well, those who have regained consciousness, anyway.

I am sure that the Tesla Toilet Seat described in the article will further lighten the working atmosphere.

Yours

Reginald Gusset

PS May I suggest a complementary future article on the construction of prosthetic limbs?

[Herr Döktor]

Sir,

I enjoyed the recent Practical Fabricator's Practical Jokes article immensely. The nitro-cellulose franking pad was particularly successful at the Postal Office wherein I am employed, and was taken in good spirit by all 'victims'.

Well, those who have regained consciousness, anyway.

I am sure that the Tesla Toilet Seat described in the article will further lighten the working atmosphere.

Yours

Reginald Gusset

PS May I suggest a complementary future article on the construction of prosthetic limbs?

Mr Gusset:

On the one hand, this is an excellent suggestion, but on the other hand, may prove unsettling to some readers, but on the third hand, never say never!

Yrs.

Sidney Falsely-Olde

Practical Retro-Phrenology Correspondant

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

S'ah,

     With regards to the forthcoming "Personal FavouriteTopiary" photographic competition, as advertised in the last issue. I have, with the begrudging help of Spume the under gardener and the scullery maid, fashioned a truly magnificent trouser tonsure. I am having some difficulties getting a professional photographer to co-operate with the taking of the competition photographs, I have had some downright unpleasant comments from these so called "professionals". Can you recommend a sympathetic and discreet artisan who could capture said image?

Prof.Obsidian Blaze   

[Mercury Wells]

Sirs!

In reply to the previous correspondent's letter, I wish to offer my services. You can contact me at the following address:-

C.D. Fotos,
69, Shady Lane,
Shagspinster.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Chief Photographer writes:-

Well, there you have it, Professor.

A poke in the eye for all of those 'Whingeing B*st*rds' 'Moaning Minnies' who have previously questioned the efficacy of sending a letter to our publication.

Mr. Fotos is well  known respected in the local police courts area and has a proven criminal track record for his collection entitled 'On The Bearskin Rug'. Copies of which are in plain brown paper wrappers wide circulation.

On a technical note.

It is generally recommended to reduce the amount of flash powder used when taking close-up pictures of this sort.

Yours, (at f2.8 and ¹/₂₅₀ of a second)

Ché Cheese.

p.s. The proprietor of the magazine has asked me to remind our readers that the position of Assistant Copy Editor is still open.

[Mercury Wells]

Deleted

[Mercury Wells]

Sirs.

With regards to your pull-out section concerning:- "The training of Swallows and the conveyance of Coconuts "

I have noticed a mistake...where its says "Train the Coconuts to stand on the heads of the said Swallows".*
I think it should read:- "Train the swallows to stand on the top of the Coconuts".

*After that being said & done. I have managed to train the aforementioned the blighters to actually stand on top of the Swallows though and not much else.


Yours&c

Professor D O Lally-Tap.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our Rural Affairs Correspondant, Ol' Farmer Scruttock, offers the following timely tips for late November jobs in the kitchen garden.


Proctect  spring greens from early frost with a nice hot water bottle.

Creosote your Wogglers to ward off rising damp.

Pick the last of your Autumn Veg and weld it up in an old oil drum to keep the rats off.
Collect up all the rats and weld them up in an old oil drum. (Works just as well.)

Soak all gate hinges and latches in a mixture of salty water and well rotted manure. them Carol-singers will be around any time now, and the squeaking will give you plenty of time to hide.

Don't forget that this is the traditional time of year for pressing your Nurglers in a cast iron 'Sweedling Tun'.
It's a lovely old ritual that never fails to bring a tear to my eyes.

Now, GET OFF MY LAARRND!!

[Mercury Wells]

In reply to "Rural Affairs Correspondant", that doesn't answer my problem though.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Sirs.

With regards to your pull-out section concerning:- "The training of Swallows and the conveyance of Coconuts "

I have noticed a mistake...where its says "Train the Coconuts to stand on the heads of the said Swallows".*
I think it should read:- "Train the swallows to stand on the top of the Coconuts".

*After that being said & done. I have managed to train the aforementioned the blighters to actually stand on top of the Swallows though and not much else.


Yours&c

Professor D O Lally-Tap.

Our local Birdbrain replies.

You are quite correct in spotting an error in the article.

The proper method is to train the Swallows to stand on their own heads.  This makes it easier to superglue the Coconuts to their feet.

Yours,

Al Katraz.


Coming soon in our festive Christmas issue.

Making Glühwein.
A review of the best types of glue to use.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Dear sirs.

Whilst perusing Vol. iii of Mr. Reginald Sprott's invaluable 'Handbook of interesting trousers', I saw a pair of trousers which I found very interesting.

Respectfully yours,

Norbert Wibble.

p.s. Can someone please hurry up and invent 'Social Networking' sites, as I have large amounts of equally important information to share.

[Dr cornelius quack]

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Can m I*( rFTemindf yOUR  REadershi=p[- o()f theW ikportanx  ()f K££ping oned fimbers out og thE£$ wAy when YUding a Vircu*lar sAW.

yoourd, R%$edspectA.....

oHhhhH!!!, DOD IT!!

[Mercury Wells]

Deleted

[Professor Obsidian Blaze]

S'ah,

      I would like to be associated with the remarks expressed within the letter regarding safety and circular saws. I do indeed keep my fingers safe when the circular saw is in use, they are in a glass jar in the study, and I now have the parlour maid type my missives....and she also has taken over the circular saw duties.

Prof.Obsidian Blaze