Dragon Tamers - A room for those of us with anxiety / depression / etc

[rovingjack]

I try not to dwell on things, but I've saved myself a few times from unnesecary problems by being knowledgable and minimizing risk factors. and I know when I've been hit with things I couldn't brace for and don't know how to handle that they can cost me months and years in recovery time emotionally.

But for the time being my plan is to use today and tomorrow to recover the last bit from my allergic reaction. Come tuesday I'm going to enjoy some food that I've not tasted in near a decade. They will make me a bit sick, but the doctors say I should be able to eat normally and since I need to clear out my system for the scoping anyway... might as well enjoy some food. It'll definately empty me out, and then the docs get to see what normal food does to me, and I get to experience some old favorites again.
But then the next day is trying recover a bit and get some calories to stay in me long enough to make it through thursday without any food at all and heavy laxative use. Then all friday no food and two hours before 4pm not even water.

After I get back from that proceedure I can eat again, though it's likely to make me sick no matter what. Just take it slow and settle in for about a day or two to recover with simple recovery foods. By the time that settles I should be able to get some data from my doctors about any immediate concerns. after that I may just stock up on supplies of my last safe foods and go up to my mums place to just get away from my life and be somewhere else for a bit. Maybe through easter when I can see some family.

My plan then is to look in to incorporating new foods that should have a decent chance of not being allergens or setting off my stomach. and also I've got a kit from Ubiome that can get me some data about what my gut flora look like so that I can better plan how I will move forward with attempts to rebalance myself. There are a couple things I can try that sound like they might just make a difference for some people with similar problems (one of the options sounds like it may have benefits for both the antibiotics damage as well potential for crohn's). So the goal is to reach stable positions with back up options, and then try some new leads to make myself better.

With consulting doctors I hope to also have more powerful options that I can resort to if it comes to it, and means to handle the consequences. I just need to know there is a plan, and that I am actively working to improve the situation. I hate not being able to do anything and waiting.

I don't have a lot of hope for remission, but I can hope that the damage is minimal and that with some more knowledge and some trial and error I could stop more from happening or even possibly reverse a bit of it and ward off new allergies. With the exponential advancement of information tech coming into medical tech fields it may be simply a matter of holding on for a few more years to find out the causes and best courses of treatment for my brand of illness.

It's still hard, and feels a bit like lieing to myself that any of that might work, but it's at least it's better than not knowing what to do, being confused, and waiting for something else to happen.

in the spirit of other posts here, as long as it's imaginary I'd say this is adorable enough:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c6zb2ITAbM

[rovingjack]

well I took another hit today and it laid me low for a bit. I'm watching as my options for foods to keep me alive are, one after the other becoming allergens. The only uncertainty in it is the time frame and the reasons. I might be able to count on finding some replacements but unless we resolve the rapid accumulation of allergies that would only be a temporary fix. Finding and resolving that issue itself may take time and have risks of death in them.

At this point it really seems the chess game with death is a fitting metaphor. It's all down to making the right moves at the right time without knowing what the counter moves will be. and I think I just need to start preparing for whatever outcome comes to pass.

However I'm not one to lay my king down, so I will be actively trying to win, but There is too much to take care of that I'd not want to leave my family and friends to deal with and then I have to make peace with the potential outcome so that I can play to the last play without fear tripping me and should I lose I won't have my last moments be bitter ones.

Having said that, I've begun setting up my pieces, and I'm in it to win it. I very nearly lost hope but got that back when my fight came back to me too. I've got some surprises in me and I relish the occasion to show them off with some characteristic artistic flair. So let's do this.

[Clym Angus]

<large steel clad robot stalks in, stands in the corner and powers down, it opens revealing a bespectacled spinderly dude full of humor and verbose manor-isms. It sits in a chair, it too opens revealing a small thing crafted by it's own self doubt, a strange thing, an ugly thing, full of teeth and anger, regret and choice. It skitters from it's persona with all the skill of a 3 legged spider limping it's way down a wall.>

"erm Hi, I'll just be over here". It announces meekly gravitating towards a huge mug of hot chocolate  with pink marshmallows in. "If the psychological armour is in anyone's way just tell me and I'll move it. Mmmm chocolate, so much better than beer for calming the mind....." It's large milky eyes mist slightly in contentment. 

[Arabella Periscope]

Fortunately, there is a Tardis-like closet here for all the personas that are sloughed off by the vulnerable beings in the alcoves cradling their hot drinks and sprinkling crumbs from their comfort goodies.  There is also rumored to be a deep undercroft, soundproofed, where one can shoot at effigies with an elephant gun, smash large sets of dinnerware against a wall, or demolish pianos with a giant mallet.  This virtual haven offers a pause from the fear of death or the wish for it, I find, in all seriousness, the thought of its warm timeless corners and dim firelight and lamplight, its others likeminded and often similarly troubled, grieved or ill-suited to the harsh world outside somewhere nearby, is a great solace in time of need.  My thanks to our elusive founder, Alexis Voltaire.

[Camellia Wingnut]

My Dear Fellow,
There is also a special Changing Room, or cabinet, curtained in velvet, containing a mysterious mirror. Small things, ugly things, frightened things can go in there privately, divest themselves of the smallness and ugliness, and look at their reflections. They will see the truth: lovable, valuable, vulnerable, endearing things battered by a strangely unforgiving world.
That same truth is also visible in the eyes of the slightly tattered terrier that jumps upon your lap when you come out and seek your own deep leather chair. You may as well get used to him. He will never be budged.
C.W.

[Clym Angus]

No need to worry, now they know the personas will walk there by themselves, they are good like that.

As a side note I don't really understand the nature of me without all the nonsensical scarring. It's like Kirk in the final frontier:

"Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"

Mmmmm coco.

[Madasasteamfish]

No need to worry, now they know the personas will walk there by themselves, they are good like that.

As a side note I don't really understand the nature of me without all the nonsensical scarring. It's like Kirk in the final frontier:

"Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"

Mmmmm coco.

Trying to understand the concept of 'the self' is a complicated issue, and one that has stumped plenty more people than just us, many of whom are/were smarter than we can ever hope to be. At best all we can say is that; we are who are, not just because of where we came from or what's inside of us, but because of what we have seen and done, and what we have experienced. Pain simply let's us know that it has happened to us, and the scars it leaves are the reminders of what we've gone through. The most important thing in life IMHO isn't learning to avoid that pain, but learning to cope with it, and express it in a way that has some positive impact.

I personally found a great; but simple, truth in that almost all art, in some way shape or form, is an expression of the artist's pain, be it physical, mental, emotional or ideological. I know that's what drove me to take up writing (and quite possibly why being drunk helps me put pen to paper).

Now, after that brief philosophical interlude, I'm off to curl up in my alcove with a bottle of rum, and seek the oblivion therein before I'm disturbed by the growling of the wolves, or my own little shoulder imp returns from whatever, corner it has secreted itself in.

[Clym Angus]

Very true sir, as much as any truth can be, it was always a very perspective driven absolute for me. I see what you mean regarding art, I've always found making things to be a most excellent way of releasing oneself from the trauma of the self.

<pops open a plastic poloroid film can of links and starts knitting>

[frances]

I once did an art therapy course.  The lady who ran it said that she had no idea why it worked, but that it did.  And it did.

[CorneliaCarton]

I can't take it anymore. I just can't.
I reached out for help, and I've been left in the dark. The depression is getting wprse and I just can't handle it anymore.
These feelings of just nohing, and then annoyance towards my boyfriend, doubt about my relationship with him, I just can't deal with it. It hurts too much and I just cannot deal with it. And God forbid my Grandparents give a crap about how all this is affecting me. My support worker actuzllyadvised me to move out because things are just that bad at home.
And I'm sitting here praying to whoever is listening for help. Because I don't want to give up.

[rovingjack]

I was actually doing alright today. I was going about the process of living... then I ran my phone through the was. It's sort of the thing I need to contact help if anything goes wrong. I should be alright for the night but the other thing is there is one phone number in there that I don't call almost ever for somebody very important to me, we used to share living space and while not a romantic situation I do love her, and unless this phone recovers I may well have lost that last link of contact with her.

Then I stepped on the scale for the first time in several day. I've lost 3 pounds in the last week. I'm now down five for the month. I'm also only about 30 above severely underweight.

I went and ran errands and got so distracted I had to go back out again to look at phones, but they had little to offer that wouldn't be way more money and a bunch of things I don't need.

I got home in a brooding dark mood. and proceeded to burn my dinner. I managed to salvage most of it and in the process of getting it out of the pan spilled it all over the stove top. Screw it, I scraped it up and ate it anyway.

Now I'm home alone, wishing I had actual friends, and contemplating the beginnings of the weight loss situation. I'm having one of those moments where I feel like if this is it, if this is how the world is just going to keep treating me... then maybe it not some big problem That I won't be here to kick when I'm down for very much longer.

I know it will pass, but right now it feels like everything is giving me the F U, and if that's the way it's going to keep going then it can have the same back. I was nevr one to tolerate abusive relationships and that's what this feels like.

[Arabella Periscope]

You do have actual friends here, and this is the place to calm down from the panic and be comforted in the dark depression.  It has come before, and it will pass again.

[Camellia Wingnut]

My Dears,
If you are feeling isolated, remember that this thread has been read two thousand, three hundred times, by kindred spirits all over the world. Your difficulties have been understood by many, many sympathetic readers, including some who have felt just as you feel now, and have gone on to warmer and kinder phases of their lives. You are not alone.
Yr. Affct. Great-Aunt, Camellia

[frances]

And also remember that we are here 24 hours per day since we are so scattered around the place.

Cornelia, you reached out and we are here.

Have you had this nice sunny weather?  Can you lever yourself out of the house to to walk around the block once or twice?

[CorneliaCarton]

I meant that the Hospital. I've been on the waiting list for 8 months. Still nothing.

[Arabella Periscope]

Fortified by our support and encouragement, why not go and figuratively chain yourself to the railings?  The actual physicians and therapists are insulated by armies of well-paid functionaries whose only purpose is to save the system money by filtering out those who are elderly, lonely, neurotic, fussing, hypochondriachal and attention-seeking.  There are many such, in the churches and clinics of the world.  They cannot sustain true relationships because they are attention vampires, sucking black holes of neediness, so they seek out people who are obliged by vocation or profession to give blood, as it were.  You are holding back, because you are not such an elemental parasite, but they are getting in your way.  Fight through to the real help you need, treading down the wolf-criers and the line of defense shielding the physicians.  I quote from somewhere; "I insist on speaking to someone inside, someone more intelligent."

Finish your tea and your scone, put down the comfort cat, brush off the crumbs and cat hair, and ALLONS-Y!!!

[CorneliaCarton]

I don't have to lie to be seen quicker. I have been genuinely feeling, well, suicidal. Like I could easily just curl up and die. Mostly because of my Grandparents.

[Camellia Wingnut]

My Dear,
Not lie. . . . Strategize. All the difference in the world.
C.W.

[Flightless Phoenix]

Cornelia if you are suicidal, you are very much entitled to emergency treatment. Please call your support worker or GP and be honest about the fact you may be a danger to yourself. You should be given an appointment quickly. In the meantime I recommend contacting calling a helpline.
This NHS page has the telephone numbers for several helplines, and also email addresses if you feel that writing would be easier than talking for you:
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
There is also IMALive where you can chat anytime:
https://www.imalive.org/

Suicide is a terribly final solution to a problem which although seems impossible to escape right now, is not. All of us in this room have probably been where you are now at some point, and I'm here to PROMISE that you won't always feel this way. We are all here to support you, and we are proud of you for holding on and staying strong. We are here to back you up in finding the professional help you deserve too. OK m'dear? *sends many, many hugs*

[frances]

I am told that if you feel that way Cornelia then you can pop in to your nearest A&E department.  They are open 24 hours a day. 

In my area if you phone 111 you can get to see a 24 hour GP who, here, is based at the local hospital or can come out and visit you, again 24 hours a day.

hugs

[rovingjack]

When looking to escape from the things that trouble you, it's usually best to do it in a way that allow you the time to feel the results and they rediscover who you are, then you can go on with integrating the rest of life back into your world with more awareness of who and what you are when you don't have those things around you. It lets you know you and that the problems are not you and really at the end of the day problems will come through life but they will never be a part of you, you will always be you and that is a good thing.

So if you need to, get help getting to a place where you can take off the lead overcoat and cobwebs the world draped over you, find yourself at the center, embrace yourself and memorize yourself. So that when you venture back out and new coats and cobwebs may come you will remember that those are the things going on around you not you, remember whose at the center and that you are still there and still you.

[CorneliaCarton]

Thank you all for the support.
It comes and goes, really. All I know is that the pain is there and I want it to just go away. It's like there's this heavy cloud hanging over me constantly.

[MWBailey]

Just got over a frighteningly serious infection plus a bout of pneumonia, for both of which I was hospitalized for a short time. I'm out now, but still pretty weak, on the remainder of the antibiotics (cute li'l capsules that make me nauseous and prone to the 'runs'), and worried over other looming physical concerns, not to mention housemates (parents) expecting me to be fine and back to full ebullience in spite of it all. "You're out of the hospital now, for god's sake, how can you still be so weak?"

It's all a tin-plate pain in the nether region.

[CorneliaCarton]

I want these feelings to go away. Why won't thy go away?
It's hard to remember that this is normal for someone who's depressed. It doesn't feel normal.
I just want to go one night without crying.

[Clym Angus]

The mind traps are as bad (if not worse) that the situational ones at times, lady Carlton.
It is a strange and dark roller coaster some of us are forced to ride.

It would be nice to find an even bit of track. As you say, just to remind us all of the good of it all. I still firmly believe something is better than nothing that hope of a better future springs eternal and we must be here to experience it. I do hate loosing to unending nothingness out of choice. Mind you my shades of darkness are a different hue to yours and to speak of "bucking up" and "best feet forwards" would put me in the camp of your grand parents: well meaning but flawed.

Maybe a thing of solace is needed (at least they work for me). A cause, a selfless thing to dedicate to.  A tonic . To supplant the horror of the self. Not ideal but better than certain alternatives that would deny us all your wonderful candor.