Stoopid instrukshuns

[vela]

I was idly reading the back of a shaving cream canister.  Directions:  "Use short strokes with a sharp clean razor"...Darn.  Just when I was going to have a go at the (leg) stubble with a dull, preferably rusty utensil...

What are the stupidest instructions you've ever received?

-vela 

[JingleJoe]

It was on a bag of peanuts, something along the lines of:

1. open bag
2. eat peanuts

[The Abiliegh]

On my blowdryer and curling iron:

"Never use while sleeping" and "Do not use while bathing or in the shower"

[The Kernel]

It was on a bag of peanuts, something along the lines of:

1. open bag
2. eat peanuts

I've seen that - I assumed it was tongue in cheek
I have however seen instructions on toothpicks!

[Hägglund]

On a ATV with an extra seat mounted(in the store).
"Do not drive with a passanger, it's effect the balance..."

[Aeryenne Tederich]

On a pair of spurs and accompanying riding-crop (and this was in your average saddlery, I might add) -

"Do not use for fetish purposes."

Why I didn't think to take a photograph, I'll never know.

[Pnakotus]

"Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion." - how to use toothpicks from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

[Hägglund]

Crush the surprised gastropod with an wrench?

[Von Gast]

On a pair of spurs and accompanying riding-crop (and this was in your average saddlery, I might add) -

"Do not use for fetish purposes."

Why I didn't think to take a photograph, I'll never know.

More to the point, why would it matter? I would imagine that anyone planning to use a crop in that way would know how to avoid doing serious damage with it, and in any case would have more sense than to use spurs...

Not sure about daft instructions but translations from Japanese are always fun:

"It is said to be very difficult the acquisition of the ticket to be popular.
In dinnertime, I seem to see the Sea of Japan of beautiful dusk from the car window."

I think it refers to an overnight train service!

[The Abiliegh]

I forgot my favorite warning label! ('ve got a picture of it on my photobucket, but i cant get to that from work). It's not stupid in the least, but it seems appropriate.

DANGER
Do Not Touch Tesla Coils

[Skinner]

"Hold stick near centre of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt end next to gum. Use gentle in-out motion."

For a minute there...

[Mechanic]

On a box of rat poison: Not for human consumption.

[alfa1]

Warning: Hot when heated.

Seriously.   I had this one on some kind of microwave food item many years ago.

[clockwork creation]

It was on a bag of peanuts, something along the lines of:

1. open bag
2. eat peanuts

I had a bag of peanuts with a 'WARNING MAY CONTAIN NUTS'  label on the pack.....

[Francis Skinner]

I found this at 4am in some god-forsaken petrol station. It was basically a meat stick (Chinese chicken to be exact)
Stick-o-chicken


Not suitable of vegetarians

[flimflam]

on a chainsaw
do not attempt to stop chain with face or testicles

[CapnHarlock]

On a cheap knockoff of a tamagotchi-type toy:

"Do not be dismounted by kids"

[von Adler]

Just about all instructions on US Army equipment issued to infantry: a text instructing you not to use on open fire or on heater plates in a plastic canteen bottle; the near-legendary instruction of "This side towards enemy" on claymore mines (though to be honest, they might not be misplaced, given that the best way to stress test something is to give it to a soldier, no matter what army).

[lilibat]

Crush the surprised gastropod with an wrench?

That's turn counter clockwise slowly, with caution.

[Sir Nikolas of Vendigroth]

It was on a bag of peanuts, something along the lines of:

1. open bag
2. eat peanuts

I had a bag of peanuts with a 'WARNING MAY CONTAIN NUTS'  label on the pack.....

I saw a lettuce with that warning on.

And on a can of propane I had once "Do not use while asleep."

[James Harrison]

On a packet of silica gel:

Do Not Eat. 

That means somebody ate it once...

[markf]

Part of the user warnings on my previous Direct TV remote control: "Not dishwasher safe".  markf

[jringling]

I love "reading" the instructions that come with any piece of furniture from Ikea...

[Icky]

"Warning: slippery when wet" is one of my favourites.

Also, my hair straightener/iron has a "Do not use while sleeping" label.

[Rowan of Rin]

This is the best I have ever seen. The instructions for a toy remote control aeroplane my friend bought in Japan...I think the scan of the instructions speaks for itself:

Spoiler: ShowHide

I would like to hear people's interpretations