The Futile Philanthropy Society.

[Dr cornelius quack]

This group exists to carry out entirely useless good deeds..

Our first project is to raise a fund which will enable us to fit Gyroscopic stabilizers to 'Weebles'.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Our first field trip to install low level warning signs at cliff edges for the benefit of Lemmings will take place next Wednesday.

Bring a packed lunch.

And warm clothing.

(Lemmings, living in northerly latitudes, are in constant need of warm clothing.)

[vela]

On our way there, could we stop by the Planter's factory and make sure that all the "May contain nuts" signs are properly translated into Squirrel, and posted at squirrel eye-level?

[Dr cornelius quack]

Please keep up your efforts in our drive to knit Balaclavas for our boys in the Crimea. Even though hostilities ceased in 1856.

[Dr cornelius quack]

Remember folks. It's Balaclava, not Baklava. The syrup make the needles too sticky.

[Mr. Bertram A. Lisney]

This group exists to carry out entirely useless good deeds..

Our first project is to raise a fund which will enable us to fit Gyroscopic stabilizers to 'Weebles'.

Are 'Weebles' those things that wobble but won't fall down?

[MWBailey]

Knitting Balaklavas? Are they for the Light Brigade?

[Dr cornelius quack]

This group exists to carry out entirely useless good deeds..

Our first project is to raise a fund which will enable us to fit Gyroscopic stabilizers to 'Weebles'.

Are 'Weebles' those things that wobble but won't fall down?

Yes.

Wobbling is a terrible affliction.

Get it meself sometimes.

Tho' I generally follow it up by falling down.

[Mr. Bertram A. Lisney]

This group exists to carry out entirely useless good deeds..

Our first project is to raise a fund which will enable us to fit Gyroscopic stabilizers to 'Weebles'.

Are 'Weebles' those things that wobble but won't fall down?

Yes.

Wobbling is a terrible affliction.

Get it meself sometimes.

Tho' I generally follow it up by falling down.

As do I, all which makes me think that we'd be better served by gyroscopes than the Weebles would.

[Dr cornelius quack]

I'm sorry, 'The Futile Misanthropic Society' meeting is next door.

[Nikola Tesla]

Can I submit that project I mentioned next door concerning the electrodynamic assistance for socially inhibited stone angels?

By all accounts that was worse than useless.

I will also be donating several thousand of those kits people use to perform pork slaughter in places where they shouldn't, which has not turned out well either.

[vela]

Flying lessons for penguins.

[JingleJoe]

We must endeavour to install devices in all automobiles that change thier rude, loud horns into a polite "Excuse me!"

[Mr. Bertram A. Lisney]

We must endeavour to install devices in all automobiles that change thier rude, loud horns into a polite "Excuse me!"

Might I suggest a more efficacious route, that being the invention of a language wherein the phrase "ahooga!" is the equivalent of a polite "Excuse me!"?

[vela]

*supports Mr Linsey's suggestion to invent such a language*

[Dr cornelius quack]

The general offering of calm, rational, reasonable advice to irate motorists at moments of high stress seems like just the sort of project a society such as ours should get behind.

[Sir Nikolas of Vendigroth]

In order to further the cause of public safety, I propose that we press for the installation of handrails around gallows.

We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.

[Picaroon]

May I suggest we ban spiked hair in worship of the goddess Ate?

Ate: a minor goddess of delusion, infatuation, blind folly, rash action and reckless impulse who led men down the path to ruin. Her feet never touched the ground, as she walked atop the heads of mortals who knew not of her existence.

[Aleister Crow]

In order to further the cause of public safety, I propose that we press for the installation of handrails around gallows.

We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.

Seconded. And while we're at it, give the peasants fresh tomatoes. Throwing rotten ones can get unsanitary.

[Sir A Poiselamppe]

I am starting a campaign to affix warnings to Executioners Axes, stating that the sharp edges may cause injury when swung at unprotected Necks...

[TimeTinker]

Would it be a worthwhile pursuit for this esteemed society to develop the following hedgehog related equipment:

Safety harness with headlamps and back mounted strobe to warn approaching motorists.
Packs of "prickle covers".  Small corks for affixing to the ends of spines.  (Approved by the Hedgehog Safe Sex Campaign for female wear).
Pressure mounted belly switch activating an auditory warning chip "Caution are you curling into a ball in front of an approaching vehicle?  This course of action is not recommended."

[Calliope Hawthorn Dove]

The general offering of calm, rational, reasonable advice to irate motorists at moments of high stress seems like just the sort of project a society such as ours should get behind.

Better to get behind the irate motorists and their automobiles than in front of them.

May I offer a charity which provides free music tuition to banjo and piano accordion players, preferably in some other instrument? 

[Sgt.Major Thistlewaite]

My Dear Calliope, what a splendid suggestion! As a player of both piano accordion and banjo, I would heartily approve of instruction in the operation of other instruments, but only if that instruction were offered for hurdy-gurdy and bagpipes. Thank you!
~TET

[Calliope Hawthorn Dove]

Indeed Sgt. Major!  You're on!  I happen to love bagpipes and can abide hurdygurdy.  I even quite like banjos and piano accordions when played well.

But I draw the line at shakey eggs and bones (she says as she hides her assortment of folk session nuisance instruments).

[Clym Angus]

I recently invested a small sum helping out young inventors the "go any were inflatable dart board" seemed to have certain amount of promise as did horse rollerblades.